A PARENT DIES
by Bernadette A. Moyer

Whether it is a family member, a friend or a member of your community who dies, you can help.

A policeman dies in the line of duty leaving behind five young children. A mother of three is murdered. A father dies suddenly of a heart attack, too young. A plane crash, an automobile accident, a suicide, or an illness can all result in the loss of a young parent. Death is the one given we have in life and yet we refuse to talk about it. We think we are respecting the family's privacy by not bringing it up. Yet in one way we are only further alienating those already suffering. It is not uncommon for surviving spouses and children to feel different, alone and isolated. These feelings may be natural and yet this is a time when they may be at their greatest need for human comfort.

How often our heart strings are tugged when we hear of the death of a young parent? A parent who dies and leaves behind a spouse and children. We want to help, yet we do not know exactly what to do or say. So nothing is said or done, for fear of saying the wrong thing. We witness their grief while feeling helpless.

When a spouse and a parent die it has long and lasting effects on their
family. The foundation the family is built upon is under major reconstruction. Expected or not the loss can be overwhelming. Initially most people will have their extended family support and that of close family friends. But before long everyone will return to their normal schedules while the family is left to grieve.

Many times trusts and donations are set up to help the family. This can be very helpful. But if you want to reach out in a personal way, here are a few tips:

WHAT DO THEY NEED?

Understand that your family member, neighbor or friend may need many things. They may need time alone. They may need time to cry and talk about their loss. Listen well and allow them to speak. They may need to tell the same stories over and over. I can remember telling stories of my husband's death many times. I knew I was getting better and had purged much of the pain when one day I was tired of listening to my own stories.

HELP WITH THE KIDS.

It might be helpful for a surviving spouse if you extend invitations to his/her children to join your family for dinner or to see a movie. A parent who loses a spouse and has children may be operating with diminished abilities. He or she may seem fine, while they cook and care for the child but may very well be operating with less energy.

MAKE FOOD.

Consider leaving a casserole at the door step with a simple note saying,
"From Our Hearts" and your name. This can mean so much to a Mom or dad who has no interest in cooking or eating at this time and yet has other mouths to feed.

WHAT TO SAY?

It is better to say things like, "I am very sorry" or "I cannot imagine your grief" rather than say "I know how you feel." Believe me, no one knows
how another feels in a time of grief.

BE PATIENT.

Do not tell a grieving adult or child to "get over it" or "you should be over it by now." Each person grieves in their own way. M any times because of parental responsibilities the remaining parent goes into "overdrive." They rise to the occasion, seemingly handling everything like a pro, only to have
a delayed reaction six months or a year or two years later.

WRITE NOTES.

Personal notes and cards mean so much and are non threatening. Writing a happy or positive memory about the deceased person does so much to show and say "I valued him/her as well." It also says "They touched my life." The personal letters I received and the sharing of stories of my husband warmed my heart and made me realize that he mattered to others.

DON'T FORGET THEM.

Sometimes helping during the weeks or months after the loss is more appreciated and needed most. Largely because there is usually an abundance of support in the first few days and weeks, but then it withers as people move on and forget. In the early days and weeks the family is often shocked or has yet to feel the full impact of their loss. Showing care and concern much later can be so helpful and make a big difference.

THERAPY COMES IN MANY FORMS.

Encourage counseling, inspirational books and movies, or support groups.
Faith and religion may help. Use phrases like "This group I have heard of for widows helped my friend Pat, What do you think?" Giving an inspirational book may make a difference, especially when it comes from someone who has survived a death. A journal might encourage the grieving to write about their feelings. Children may also benefit from journals and sketch books to help get out their thoughts and feelings.

THE HOLIDAYS ARRIVE.

Holidays are the times when we think of loved ones most. Acknowledge this. It is also a time when we reminisce about past holidays. Many times family and friends decide not to mention the deceased. They fear it will upset the survivor. Like they are not already thinking about their lost loved one! Better to acknowledge the loss and say, "If you want to talk we are here for you" or in a quiet moment, "How are you feeling today?" Never force the communication, but do open the door to it. When we say nothing it is as if we are saying "Let's pretend everything is fine." We are afraid to say the wrong thing but by saying nothing it may be interpreted that the deceased person is forgotten.

CHILDREN AND GRIEF.

Many times children, especially teenagers will shrug off their feelings of grief. They might even feel the need to put their own feelings aside in an attempt to help their remaining parent.  They may feel the need to be strong and bury their grief.

My daughter was just two when her father died. She was a smiling, happy
child and as she grew, an excellent student. It was not until high school when one of her classmates died, that she understood death. That death opened up her buried grief on the loss of her own father. It is not unusual when small children lose a parent to have their grief come back and affect them much later in life.

Plants, flowers, books, pins, inspirational items all say "I am here and I care." One of the things that comforted me in my grief were books on death and dying, books to which I could reach out for comfort in the dark hours of the night when I felt so very alone and needed comfort the most.

The single best thing is to listen, allow your grieving friend or family member the opportunity to talk and to cry. Often a well timed hug can make a world of difference. Same advice goes for children, encourage them to communicate their feelings. I am here today, to tell you it was not easy, I survived and with the love a support of others, your loved ones will too. Crying never hurt anyone and when the tears stop, just like the rain, the sun will shine again!